Arguments in a D/s relationship

A recent thread on Informed Consent asked: 'does that fact that you're a sub deter you from arguing?' The poster explained that she specifically meant to ask about circumstances in which an argument/disagreement has nothing to do with 'the D/s dynamic'.

With some experience of a relationship that did have a general D/s flavour in all its facets, and some of relationships where it has been a purely sexual thing that didn't impinge on life outside the bedroom, I am absolutely decided that the former setup does not work for me at all. I appreciate that for many couples it's a very successful arrangement, but I think it has huge problems. I want in this post to explore what a few of those problems are. I'm interested to hear from anyone who's come up against these issues: did they change the way you behaved? Did you avoid them by being careful to in the first place? Do you think they're surmountable?

Suppose that I am in a relationship with a girl - call her Kitty. Kitty finds it a huge turn-on being spanked, but doesn't like it to be trivial and finds it corresponds far more closely to her fantasies if she is being spanked for something - preferably something real. Role play is out, giggly play is out, and anything that would imply she had a choice in the matter and it wasn't really a genuine disciplinary punishment (e.g. her asking for a spanking) is out.

So it follows that I need to find reasons to spank Kitty - they wouldn't have to be ultra-serious things, like cheating on me or having six double vodkas then driving my car home (obviously this would be considerably more serious than having six double vodkas then driving her own car home). They might be little things like leaving the lights on in the bathroom, not calling when she said she would, or snapping at me. They could also be things with more of a 'for your own good' emphasis - losing her bank statements, forgetting her brother's birthday, not flossing.

Those seem a bit preposterous? A grown woman being spanked for not flossing? What business is it of mine? You might well ask. The thing is, who exactly is doing whom a favour? Am I really spanking her because I care about her dental hygiene? Am I benefiting from her (deliberate?) forgetfulness by getting to give a spanking, which I enjoy doing? And the resultant question: do I wish she had flossed, or am I glad she didn't? From her point of view, similar questions apply. She probably tells me to sod off and leave her alone and she'll let me know if she wants help enforcing her dentist's advice. Does she mean it? Or did she mean to get herself a spanking? It gets worse: does she want me to be giving the spanking because I really do care about it, not because it turns me on? Do I feel I ought to give her a spanking and a lecture that will elicit genuine remorse for her negligence? Is this whole business more about spanking or flossing?

I've picked the most ridiculous of the examples I gave above, of course, because I want to highlight the point. I find this a real problem. Effectively, it's Orwellian 'Doublethink': I have to want two contradictory things at once, and so does she, or at least one of the following undesirable consequences must obtain:

(1) I am giving a genuine punishment for something I don't care about
(2) I am enjoying getting turned on by a situation that I would rather not be in
(3) Kitty has deliberately done something that puts her in a situation she would rather not be in
(4) Kitty is being spanked against her consent.

At this point many people might say that I am over-intellectualising something that is not such a big deal. I have to disagree: when you have a whole relationship based around these sorts of situations, it becomes a big deal. I might start to feel that Kitty's behaviour in general is my responsibility as much as (or instead of) hers. This encourages her not to behave like a mature and responsible adult herself and can go way beyond little things like the scenario described above. Also, after a while, Kitty will know what sort of things I am likely to pick on. This means that if she keeps on with the same 'infringements' I am apt to find it genuinely irritating that I am being ignored, which could erode the erotic pleasure of the spanking - if she avoids them, then the means we have found of incorporating spanking into our relationship has gone, unless she finds new ways of winding me up. But in either case, if there is an understanding that spankings should be real and it's hypocritical for me to punish her if I'm not really annoyed, then I have to accept that I can't ever have that erotic pleasure without concomitant irritation. And it means that each spanking involves a mini-argument - some sort of criticism of her by me, probably some sort of protest by her that I'm being unfair - the sort of exchange that most couples would probably try to avoid, and certainly not the sort of exchange that I enjoy or want actively to seek out.

Then, of course, what if something really serious like cheating or drink-driving does happen? A more serious punishment, I suppose. But that might mean a more extreme turn-on, for both of us. Many D/s couples differentiate between play/sex spankings and punishment/discipline spankings, but if a genuine punishment situation is precisely what turns you on the most, that's not much help. So all the questions that I put above come back but now it's much more problematic: of course I wish she hadn't gone off and slept with my best friend! But on the other hand, what follows is the most erotic thing that's happened to either of us in the course of the whole relationship. Can that be bad? Does the punishment really deter her from doing something like that again? Maybe she won't straight away, but if after a while she thinks back to the excitement of it and is tempted to try to repeat it - or better it, God help us - who knows what she might do?

Obviously what I'm talking about here is a fairly specific situation: the problems are largely created by what I've said about the fictional girl, Kitty, viz. she only likes 'real' spankings and isn't interested in spanking as play. But most people's sexuality is, I think, not completely fixed or determined - it evolves according to who you're with, what you explore and how your relationships develop. So I think it's both true that people without those limitations might find themselves encountering some of these problems and that people who do have similar sorts of interest might be able to avoid them. Personally I find real domestic discipline a huge turn-on when I'm actually doing it, but not enough to weigh against the burden I find it the rest of the time, and I don't seem myself going down that road again in the near future. Of course, with a girl like Kitty, it might be hard to resist...