I think my friend is a spanko...

I was with some friends on Saturday evening watching Match of the Day when Fulham's 3-0 defeat to Arsenal came on. 'I'm glad I'm not going out with George any more,' remarked Felicity - 'he used to get into a foul mood when Fulham lost. Watching this I'd probably have been a victim of domestic d- violence.'

My radar went up immediately. Reader, is there any explanation for her stutter other than that she started to say 'domestic discipline'? I can't think of another phrase beginning 'domestic ___' where the second word begins with d - and even if so, I certainly can't think of one that would have fit there. Or that she would have stopped herself from saying just as she realised she was about to. I reckon it's got to be 100 to 1 she's one of us.

But then... do I dare risk mentioning it? Well, of course not; one never knows about the 1%. There are subtler ways, of course; next time I see her I won't miss an opportunity to use a word or phrase that she'll recognise if she is, and I'll be poised ready to spot her double-take/ raised eyebrow/ momentary loss of composure/ sudden impassioned plea to be spanked immediately/ whatever. Unfortunately I don't see her that often, and only ever in a group of mutual friends. It's going to be tricky.

It also raises the interesting question of how much difference it makes when somebody shares that interest. I've known this girl for many years and never been attracted to her; she's pretty and I like her but she isn't particularly my type and it's never really crossed my mind. But I have to say, I think it would make a difference. Of course it makes some - any attraction is based, at some level, on certain attributes that a person does or does not have, and an interest in spanking is just one more thing to throw into the equation (you can tell I'm a romantic) - but I'm interested to know how much. There are certainly plenty of people I'd never be interested in however closely our kinks matched.

It's definitely better to discover a mutual interest with someone you're already attracted to than to realise your attraction because of / after you find out about the kinky interest, though. I remember one relationship - a relatively serious one - where I couldn't get the thought out of my head that the girl wouldn't have been interested in me if we hadn't had the kink in common, and it preyed on my mind. I think it must be similar for extremely beautiful girls - you want men to appreciate your looks, of course, but don't want to be valued only/primarily for them, and it can be a major cause of insecurity.

I think to some extent this is a fundamental problem with internet dating, not only on spanking-related sites but in general - usually (when you meet in 'real-life' situations) you find out about shared interests after you discover your physical attraction to someone, and the excitement of discovering them is often what propels and deepens the attraction. Online, you select for shared interests first, then find out more about them through messages, then exchange photos - and even then you can't really tell if you're attracted to someone until you meet them. It almost makes you think 'I really hope I'm going to find this person attractive, it would be such a shame to waste a fellow [mountain-biking / Picasso / wooden hairbrushes] enthusiast'.

The internet situation is an extreme, though. In the case of Felicity, if I confirmed my hypothesis and decided I did find her more attractive than I used to, I'd still have the excitement of discovering something about somebody you know. In a way, that's what you lose from a dating site - something that would be thrilling becomes normal. A bit like what I was saying in my last post about the difference between googling 'spanking story prefect detention' or stumbling across a scene in a mainstream book. I still do the googling, and sometimes I'm very glad I did, but the fortuitous finds are what we all really hope for.